Toronto Raptors – What I’m saying

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While going over the box scores from the previous ten Raptor games I started to make the same face every Matrix fan made when Keanu Reeves meets the architect.  Meaning, I was going to lose myself in minutia when the basic facts were as follows:

• The team went 5-5.
• There wasn’t a spectacular victory or terrible loss in the bunch.
• Trading for Jermaine O’Neal was a slightly worse idea than allowing Andy Rooney to be filmed in high-definition.
• All signs point to Jose Calderon being more effective at 25 – 30 minutes a game.
• Nothing has changed.

For me, there’s a bigger issue: I find the current incarnation of the Raptors dreadfully uninteresting.  60 Minutes did a neat piece last night on how the Mercantile Exchange and various investment banks artificially raised the price of oil last year when, in actuality, supply was out pacing demand.  Reminds me of the Raptors.  Without a rabid, passionate, quasi-bias fan-base this is probably the second most boring team in the NBA.  The Sacramento Kings are, unquestionably, the runaway winners in this category.

Let’s look at the roster:

• Arianna Bargnani: David Letterman’s new speciality is passively destroying the vapid stars of reality television.  The evidence is substantial.  And hilarious.  Right around the midway point of every interview you can see the interviewee realizing they have one more asshole than they did at the beginning of the day.  It’s a singular facial expression.  Bargnani makes it when he plays defense.  Not a good sign.
• Chris Bosh: Fantastic player.  Jermaine O’Neal is in his way.  Unless Bosh has a seventh gear we’ve pretty much seen his offensive peak.  I can’t shake the feeling that if Bosh played with somebody like Brandon Roy (shit) he’d be a monster.  Seriously.  Shit.
• Jose Calderon: I like Jose Calderon.  But I refuse to take any player seriously when he hasn’t been a starter for a full season and was recently torched by Jameer Nelson in a playoff series.  Seems fair to me.  Jose needs to play for Mike D’Antoni.  It’s his destiny.
• Joey Graham: What a superb player.  How is this guy in the NBA?  Now here’s a wingman you could build a run and gun offense around.  Um, did Joey know there was a game last night?  Joey’s going to cash in this summer.  Joey better enjoy manual labor.  (People are going to be able to purchase functioning livers at pharmacies before Joey Graham is consistent.)
• Kris Humphries: At $3.2 million per year, grossly overpaid.  Also, inexorably tied to Rafael Araujo.  Does everyone remember that draft?  I listened to Chuck Swirsky the next day when I was driving to the cottage.  Poor Chuck nearly had a stroke trying to throw a positive spin on it.  Sweet, sweet memories.
• Nathan Jawai: ?
• Jason Kapono: If I was an NBA referee I’d call a technical foul everytime Matt Devlin said the words: “J-Killa”.  Kapono needs to play 12 – 15 minutes a game for a good team.  He’s a gunner off the bench.  And you know what?  There isn’t anything wrong with that.  When Colangelo signed him, I was in agreement.  But I don’t think anyone can deny that – at best – Kapono is a complimentary piece.  If an NBA team is a meal, Kapono is the salt and pepper.  If you’re putting salt and pepper on Southern Style Mac & Cheese with Corn Flakes and BBQ Sauce (God Bless The Beaconsfield) all the better.  If you’re putting it on a sandwich with undercooked chicken that’ll eventually give you the poops it’s sort of redundant, isn’t it?
• Jamario Moon: There is a place in the NBA for a 6′8 small forward with profound athleticism and workable fundamentals.  So naturally, there should be red flags when a player with those characteristics floats around in basketball purgatory until age 27.  Moreover, when a player is at the precipice of securing financial stability for his family – forever – and he can’t get his shit together, the dude just doesn’t get it. That is the most gentle way I can intimate that Jamario Moon is a few sandwiches short of a picnic.
• Jermaine O’Neal: $21,372,000.  Don’t stare at that number for too long.  Unless of course, you want to start making the Sgt. Slaughter face.

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• Anthony Parker: Good player.  (Unless, he’s your third best player.)
• Will Solomon: I’d like to congratulate Will on the successful debut of his faux-hawk.  Adding anything else would be forced.
• Roko Ukic: If Roko is not playing a minimum of 15 minutes a game there is no reason for him being here.  True story.
• Jake Voskuhl: Jake’s from Tulsa, Oklahoma?  That’s the upset of the morning.

Overall, life is pretty simple.  You should eat when you’re hungry; drink enough water to pee on a regular basis; divert your gaze from women that breastfeed in public; and always remember the classic lesson of occam’s razor: All other things being equal, the simplest solution is the best.

The Raptors are a mis-mash.  And their 16-22 record fits them perfectly.  Boring.